The Invention Of Chowder
The grandest moment in culinary history — or not.
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Cast In Order Of Appearance:
Tunic
Sandal
Referee
Chows
Ders
SFX: crowd sounds
TUNIC
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we’re here for a real knockdown drag-out.
SANDAL
No kidding, Tunic. Tonight we have The Chows of Kennebunk bringing in their contestant: a Giant Lobster from the northern Atlantic. And the Ders of Anchorage with a Monster King Crab from the northern Pacific.
TUNIC
Quite a combo for fighting it out in the Grand Culinary Arena, I must say.
SANDAL
Yes, and all this to take place over a giant cauldron of boiling water and heavy cream for added excitement and entertainment.
TUNIC
Oh look, the cheerleaders from the Chow camp are throwing some butter into the pot.
SANDAL
Notice the Der mascots waving their ceremonial garlands of mace and then tossing them into the cauldron also.
TUNIC
I understand that the Giant Lobster and King Crab will be pelted with potatoes and onions while clawing each other.
SANDAL
Yes, to see if they lose their balance. Part of the fun, Tunic. All part of the fun.
TUNIC
Okay, folks. Well, the fight is about to begin.
REFEREE
Attention! Attention everyone. Quiet please! Thank you. And now, Giant Lobster of the Chows versus Monster King Crab of the Ders!
SFX: blows whistle
TUNIC
Wow, what a tussle. The King Crab has whipped some cayenne pepper into the lobster’s eyes.
SANDAL
And the lobster just gave the King a taste of his own medicine with claw full of Kosher salt to the gills.
TUNIC
What a decapod! This is thrilling!
SANDAL
And just listen to the crowd!
CHOWS
Chow!
DERS
Der!
CHOWS
Chow!
DERS
Der!
SANDAL
Oh, no! It looks like they’ve both fallen into the cauldron together!
TUNIC
But the crowd doesn’t seem to care! Listen!
EVERYONE
Chow-der! Chow-der! Chow-der!
SFX: lame music intro
EVERYONE (singing)
The lobster fell in
and the outcome was grim
for the cauldron it was rather hot.
Chow-der!
The crab then did stumble,
he fell and he tumbled
And the lobster and crab are now not.
Chow-der!
Alternate Cave Song version:
EVERYONE (singing)
The cavemen screamed louder
“We invented chowder!”
When a lobster and dinosaur fought.
Chow-der!
The lobster fell in
And the ref said “He wins!”
And now we like chowder a lot!
Chow-der!
©1997-2014 Lishka DeVoss/Kranky Kids®