Simple Hans
This is a very funny raise-the-ante story. Hans just gets more dimwitted with each gift he is given to take to Gretel. And, to make it matters worse, Lishka did a really over-the-top German accent which caused everyone to eventually start laughing because the students didn't know it was coming until they were live on-air at WUNH radio in New Hampshire.
Grimmly Speaking Volume 1: 12 scripts
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Cast In Order Of Appearance:
Narrator
Hans
Gretel
Mother
SFX: Grimmly Speaking theme music
NARRATOR
One day, a boy named Hans leaves his house to visit a girl named Gretel. Gretel gives Hans a needle.
HANS
Good-bye, Gretel.
GRETEL
Good-bye, Hans.
NARRATOR
Hans sticks the needle into a passing hay-cart and follows the cart home.
HANS
Good evening, Mother. Gretel gave me a needle.
MOTHER
Where is the needle, Hans?
HANS
I stuck it in a hay-cart.
MOTHER
That was stupid, Hans. You should have stuck the needle in your sleeve.
HANS
Never mind. I’ll do better next time.
NARRATOR
The next day Hans again goes to Gretel. Gretel gives Hans a knife.
HANS
Good-bye, Gretel.
GRETEL
Good-bye, Hans.
NARRATOR
Hans sticks the knife in his sleeve and goes home.
HANS
Good evening, Mother. Gretel gave me a knife.
MOTHER
Where is the knife, Hans?
HANS
Stuck in my sleeve.
MOTHER
That was stupid, Hans. You should have put the knife in your pocket.
HANS
Never mind. I’ll do better next time.
NARRATOR
The next day Hans again goes to Gretel. Gretel gives Hans a young goat.
HANS
Good-bye, Gretel.
GRETEL
Good-bye, Hans.
NARRATOR
Hans ties the goat’s legs and puts it in his pocket. When he gets home, the goat has suffocated and is dead.
HANS
Good evening, Mother. Gretel gave me a goat.
MOTHER
Where is the goat, Hans?
HANS
I put it in my pocket. It died.
MOTHER
That was stupid, Hans. You should have put a rope around the goat’s neck and brought it home.
HANS
Never mind. I’ll do better next time.
NARRATOR
The next day Hans again goes to Gretel. Gretel gives Hans a big slab of bacon.
HANS
Good-bye, Gretel.
GRETEL
Good-bye, Hans.
NARRATOR
Hans ties a rope around the bacon and drags it home. The dogs come and eat up all the bacon.
HANS
Good evening, Mother. Gretel gave me a big slab of bacon.
MOTHER
Where is the bacon, Hans?
HANS
I tied a rope around it and dragged it home. The dogs ate it.
MOTHER
That was stupid, Hans. You should have carried the bacon on your head to keep it from the dogs.
HANS
Never mind. I’ll do better next time.
(so here is where we all started to laugh)
NARRATOR
The next day Hans again goes to Gretel. Gretel gives Hans a baby cow.
HANS
Good-bye, Gretel.
GRETEL
Good-bye, Hans.
NARRATOR
Hans puts the baby cow on his head and the baby cow kicks his head all the way home.
HANS
Good evening, Mother. Gretel gave me a baby cow.
MOTHER
Where is the baby cow, Hans?
HANS
I set it on my head and it kicked my face.
MOTHER
That was stupid, Hans. You should have led the baby cow with a rope and put it in the barn.
HANS
Never mind. I’ll do better next time.
NARRATOR
The next day Hans again goes to Gretel. She is depleted of gifts.
GRETEL
Good day, Hans. Have you finally brought me something?
HANS
No.
GRETEL
Then I will go with you.
NARRATOR
Hans takes Gretel, ties her with a rope, and leads her to the barn next to his house. Then he binds her to the stall inside.
HANS
Good evening, Mother.
MOTHER
Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?
HANS
With Gretel.
MOTHER
What did she give you this time?
HANS
Nothing. She came with me.
MOTHER
Where have you left Gretel, Hans?
HANS
I led her by a rope and then tied her to the stall in the barn. I even scattered some grass for her.
MOTHER
That was stupid, Hans. You should cast friendly eyes upon her.
HANS
Okay.
NARRATOR
Hans goes to the barn, cuts out all the barn animals’ friendly eyes -
SFX: Eeuw!
NARRATOR
- and casts them upon Gretel.
SFX: thwp, thwp, thwp
SFX: Eeuw!
NARRATOR
Gretel then becomes angry, tears herself loose and runs away screaming into the forest.
SFX: ahhhhh!
HANS
Oh, never mind. I’ll do better next time.
SFX: everyone groans
NARRATOR
Oh gee whiz, you guys. This is Grimmly Speaking, not Fairy Tales for the Faint Hearted.
SFX: Grimmly Speaking end theme
©1997- 2014 Lishka DeVoss/Kranky Kids®