DRAMA: The Classics
Gone With The Wind in 7 Minutes
Yes! We condensed this curious and bizarre ‘historical’ movie down to seven minutes (minus a few seconds of music we tacked onto our version).
Cast In Order Of Appearance:
Narrator
Charles
Scarlett
Everyone
Rhett
Sue Ellen
Ashley
Melanie
SFX: Oh Susanna
NARRATOR
Scarlett O’Hara lived in the south on a plantation named Tara.
CHARLES
Oh Scarlett, you’re beautiful! But we might have to go to war.
SCARLETT
Fiddle dee dee, there’s gonna be no war. I’ll think about it tomorrow.
EVERYONE
Let’s BBQ!
SFX: hum of voices/party crowd
SCARLETT
Ashley loves me.
EVERYONE
No, Ashley loves Melanie.
SUE ELLEN
Did you hear that Rhett Butler ruined a girl by taking her on an
unchaperoned buggy ride and then refused to marry her?
SCARLETT
Who cares about Rhett. I love you Ashley.
ASHLEY
Oh, Scarlett, you don’t know what you’re talking about.
NARRATOR
Scarlett slaps Ashley.
SFX: slap
EVERYONE
One slap!
SCARLETT
I will hate you ‘til I die!
CHARLES
The Civil War has started!
SFX: explosion
SFX: drum roll as a march
ASHLEY
Melanie and I are getting married, Scarlett.
SCARLETT
What? Oh Charles, brother of Ashley, marry me before you go to war. I wanna make Ashley mad.
CHARLES
Okay. But I’m off to war, too.
SFX: taps
NARRATOR
Ashley’s brother dies a hero’s death of measles and pneumonia.
SCARLETT
Darn, I hate grieving. I’ll go to Atlanta, fun city of the south!
SFX: waltz music
SCARLETT
Why Rhett Butler! How nice to see you. Let’s dance, Rhett!
RHETT
Okay.
SCARLETT
Darn! Everyone Confederate seems to be dying.
NARRATOR
Ashley’s on leave in Atlanta.
SCARLETT
Darn! There’s a lot of sick and wounded around Atlanta. I still love you, Ashley.
ASHLEY
That’s nice, but Melanie and I are a little busy right now.
NARRATOR
Ashley leaves Atlanta.
EVERYONE
Atlanta’s being bombed and attacked!
SFX: bomb
SFX: horse walking
SFX: fire
SCARLETT
That’s okay, me and Rhett, we’ll take a calm buggy ride while it’s happenin’. Oh Rhett, I wish I could leave Atlanta but Melanie needs help having her baby.
NARRATOR
35 days later. . .
SCARLETT
Melanie’s in labor and Prissy, the slave, knows nothing ’bout birthin’ babies.
NARRATOR
Scarlett slaps Prissy.
SFX: slap
EVERYONE
Two slaps!
SCARLETT
Fiddle dee dee, you can’t die, Melanie. Especially now that I’ve got twine, scissors, clean towels and hot water. You push that baby out, Melanie.
SFX: baby crying
NARRATOR
Rhett Butler arrives.
SFX: fire
RHETT
Time to leave Atlanta, girls. This town’s a burnin’ down and I’m in my best white suit.
NARRATOR
They head for Tara.
SCARLETT
You’re leaving me before we reach Tara?
RHETT
Yes, I am. There’s nothin’ like a good fire to make a man want to join an army, especially when it’s losing. I love you, Scarlett. Kiss me.
SCARLETT
Okay.
SFX: kiss
NARRATOR
Scarlett slaps Rhett.
SFX: slap
EVERYONE
Three slaps!
SCARLETT
Thank god I’m home.
NARRATOR
Her Mom’s dead and her Pa is crazy. There’s no food, everything’s in ruins and the slaves don’t know how to milk the cow she found.
SFX: cow mooing
SCARLETT
As god is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again. Especially if I have to eat another one of these stupid radishes.
SFX: eating a radish
SUE ELLEN
Oh, sister Scarlett, I hate working and I hate Tara!
NARRATOR
Scarlett slaps Sue Ellen.
SFX: slap
EVERYONE
Four slaps!
NARRATOR
Everyone works like farm hands. A Yankee soldier shows up lookin’ to rob and rape. Scarlett shoots him in the face.
SFX: flintlock pistol
NARRATOR
Just then, Melanie wanders down the stairs.
MELANIE
Thank goodness you killed him. Here, use my nightie so the floor won’t get all bloody.
EVERYONE
The war is over! Hooray!
NARRATOR
The men come home broken and hungry. Ashley comes home too!
ASHLEY
Bad news, Scarlett. The taxes are raised on Tara.
NARRATOR
Ashley’s depressed. He kisses Scarlett but he won’t leave Melanie.
ASHLEY
You love Tara best, Scarlett.
SCARLETT
I know. Look! Two minor characters are here trying to steal Tara from me because of the taxes due.
NARRATOR
Pa chases the minor characters away —
SFX: horse galloping by
NARRATOR
— falls off his horse —
SFX: falling on ground
NARRATOR
— and dies.
SCARLETT
Darn! Well, I better make a dress from these window drapes and go find Rhett. He’ll have money.
NARRATOR
Rhett is in jail.
SCARLETT
Can I have 300 dollars, Rhett? I’ll be nice.
RHETT
No.
SCARLETT
Darn! Now I’ll have to trick Mr. Kennedy, my sister Sue Ellen’s beau, into marrying me so I can save Tara from the tax man.
SUE ELLEN
Hey! Can she do that?
EVERYONE
You bet!
NARRATOR
Melanie makes Ashley join Scarlett in the lumber business.
SCARLETT
Great Balls of Fire! I’ve got me a lumber yard and a store! I’m rich!
SFX: cash register
NARRATOR
Rhett returns and he’s even richer.
RHETT
I’ve always got money in this story.
NARRATOR
Scarlett gets attacked in Shantytown and is saved by her ex-slave. Her husband and Ashley go to avenge her attack. Yankee soldiers try to catch them for taking the law into their own hands.
SFX: troops marching
SCARLETT
Darn! Yankee troops are in my house.
RHETT
Not to worry, Mr. Soldier, sir. We’ve just been drinkin’ and foolin’ around. There’s no lynch mob here.
SCARLETT
Bye bye, Yankees.
SFX: door closing
NARRATOR
But Ashley is actually wounded.
SCARLETT
Oh no!
NARRATOR
And Kennedy, Scarlett’s husband, is dead.
SCARLETT
Oh well.
SFX: church bell tolling
NARRATOR
Scarlett gets soused on brandy.
SCARLETT
I (hic) hate grieving.
NARRATOR
Rhett arrives.
RHETT
Marry me, Scarlett.
SCARLETT
Okay.
NARRATOR
They honeymoon in New Orleans.
SFX: bottle uncorked
NARRATOR
They’re rich, but Scarlett has nightmares from eating too much pastry.
SFX: sick sound cough
SCARLETT
Will I ever be safe?
NARRATOR
They go home to Tara and have a baby girl. Rhett names her Bonnie Blue Butler.
SCARLETT
Great Balls of Fire! My waist is getting big. I ain’t havin’ any more babies!
RHETT
I’m gettin’ mad!
NARRATOR
Ashley and Scarlett give each other an innocent hug and are caught.
RHETT
Now, I’m really gettin’ mad!
NARRATOR
Rhett gets drunk, tells Scarlett off, one thing leads to another and the next morning she wakes up with a big grin on her face.
SFX: sighing woman
RHETT
Scarlett, I want a divorce.
SCARLETT
You can’t leave me, Rhett!
RHETT
Wanna bet?
NARRATOR
Rhett takes little Bonnie to London with him.
SFX: ship’s horn
NARRATOR
Little Bonnie is afraid of the dark. She wants to go home to her mommy and pony. Rhett and Bonnie return to Atlanta.
SCARLETT
Well, look who’s here. I’m gonna have another baby and I don’t like it.
RHETT
Fine. Then I’m leaving again.
NARRATOR
Scarlett tries to slap —
EVERYONE
Five slaps!
NARRATOR
Hey! I said she tries to slap Rhett. But she falls down the stairs instead.
SFX: falling down stairs
RHETT
Darn, I hate it when she does that. Melanie! What are you doing here?
MELANIE
I’ve decided to have another baby even though it might kill me. By the way, Scarlett loves you, you ninny.
NARRATOR
Scarlett survives her tumble but loses her baby. Then Little Bonnie falls off her pony, breaks her neck and dies.
SFX: horse whinny
NARRATOR
Rhett shoots the horse.
SFX: flintlock rifle shot
SCARLETT
This is your fault.
RHETT
No, it’s your fault.
SFX: fight sounds
NARRATOR
Melanie comes to break up the fight and collapses.
MELANIE
Oh Scarlett, look after Ashley and my son, will you? Oh yeah, and Rhett loves you, you ninny.
SCARLETT
Melanie’s dying. Poor Ashley.
NARRATOR
Rhett hears this and leaves.
SFX: door closing
SCARLETT
Wait a minute. I don’t love Ashley. I love Rhett!
NARRATOR
Melanie dies and Scarlett runs to find Rhett.
RHETT
Goodbye, Scarlett.
SCARLETT
But I love you, Rhett. I’ve been so stupid.
RHETT
Stupid is as stupid does.
SCARLETT
Huh?
RHETT
Sorry. Wrong movie. Your sorries are meaningless, Scarlett.
SCARLETT
Where shall I go? What shall I do?
RHETT
Frankly my dear, I don’t give a hot potato.
SCARLETT
Okay, well, I’ll think about it tomorrow, then. Thanks for stopping by.
NARRATOR
Scarlett realizes that land is the only thing that matters or lasts. So she goes home to Tara. After all, tomorrow is another day.
SFX: rooster crowing
SFX: Oh Susanna
©1997-2023 Lishka DeVoss/Kranky Kids®