The Invention Of Chowder

Cast In Order Of Appearance:

Tunic
Sandal
Referee
Chows
Ders

SFX: crowd sounds

TUNIC

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, we’re here for a real knockdown drag-out.

SANDAL

No kidding, Tunic. Tonight we have The Chows of Kennebunk bringing in their contestant: a Giant Lobster from the northern Atlantic. And the Ders of Anchorage with a Monster King Crab from the northern Pacific.

TUNIC

Quite a combo for fighting it out in the Grand Culinary Arena, I must say.

SANDAL

Yes, and all this to take place over a giant cauldron of boiling water and heavy cream for added excitement and entertainment.

TUNIC

Oh look, the cheerleaders from the Chow camp are throwing some butter into the pot.

SANDAL

Notice the Der mascots waving their ceremonial garlands of mace and then tossing them into the cauldron also.

TUNIC

I understand that the Giant Lobster and King Crab will be pelted with potatoes and onions while clawing each other.

SANDAL

Yes, to see if they lose their balance. Part of the fun, Tunic. All part of the fun.

TUNIC

Okay, folks. Well, the fight is about to begin.

REFEREE

Attention! Attention everyone. Quiet please! Thank you. And now, Giant Lobster of the Chows versus Monster King Crab of the Ders!

SFX: blows whistle

TUNIC

Wow, what a tussle. The King Crab has whipped some cayenne pepper into the lobster’s eyes.

SANDAL

And the lobster just gave the King a taste of his own medicine with claw full of Kosher salt to the gills.

TUNIC

What a decapod! This is thrilling!

SANDAL

And just listen to the crowd!

CHOWS

Chow!

DERS

Der!

CHOWS

Chow!

DERS

Der!

SANDAL

Oh, no! It looks like they’ve both fallen into the cauldron together!

TUNIC

But the crowd doesn’t seem to care! Listen!

EVERYONE

Chow-der! Chow-der! Chow-der!

SFX: lame music intro

EVERYONE (singing)

The lobster fell in
and the outcome was grim,
for the cauldron it was rather hot.
Chow-der!
The crab then did stumble,
he fell and he tumbled
And the lobster and crab are now not.
Chow-der!

Alternate Caveman Song version:

Everyone: The cavemen screamed louder
“We invented chowder!”
When a lobster and dinosaur fought.
Chow-der!
The lobster fell in
And the ref said “He wins!”
And now we like chowder a lot!
Chow-der!

©1997-2007 Lishka DeVoss/Kranky Kids®

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