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COWS and DRAMA: Men In Milk

Chapter Four - A Series of Unfortunate Cows
(California cast)

In this latest chapter we spoof both the Harry Potter and Lemony Snicket series as well as incorporate quite a few different dairy breeds and cheeses.

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Cast In Order Of Appearance:

Announcer
Curd
Rennet
Toma
Extract
Alum
Sonoma
Sage

ANNOUNCER

So now, without further ado, Santa Rita Elementary and Egan Junior High will perform Men In Milk, Chapter Four, A Series of Unfortunate Cows.

SFX: car screeching, car door slamming, footsteps, knocking on door, door opening

CURD

Quick! We haven't any time to waste!

RENNET

What's happening?

CURD

The Atsma-Cameron Dairy has reported some suspicious activity.

RENNET

What activity?

CURD

Well, it seems the three blind mice in their barn have taken up instruments and formed a jazz trio.

RENNET

So what's wrong with that? It sounds like a good way to pass the time when you're a blind rodent living in a barn.

CURD

Yes, but the only song they've learned to play is Mood Indigo and now all the milk is turning blue.

SFX: MIM theme music

RENNET & CURD

This is a job for the Men in Milk – Dairy Defenders.

SFX: transition music

RENNET

Wow! This is some fancy herringbone milking parlor they have here at this dairy. And take a look at the cows! I've never seen cows that looked like this before.

CURD

That's because you're used to seeing the most common dairy breeds in America, which in this story means 'the Ayrshire, Brown Swiss, Guernsey, Holstein, Jersey and Milking Shorthorn.'

RENNET

Okay. So what kind of cows are these?

CURD

Piedmontese.

RENNET

And what kind of cows are those?

CURD

Italian. They have a very rich milk that's used for specialty cheeses like gorgonzola.

RENNET

They look so buff though. I mean they have huge, well-defined necks and shoulder muscles.

CURD

Yes, well they're also used for beef which is marketed as a premium product, a phrase which means 'you pay big bucks for very thin slices on a small salad plate.'

TOMA

Excuse me, but are you both here about the milk?

RENNET

Yes, we are.

RENNET & CURD

Where's the milk?

TOMA

Follow me, it's right over here next to the bulk tank.

CURD

Which here means 'a giant refrigerated stainless steel cylinder used to store milk before the milk truck comes and gets it.'

TOMA

Wait! It's gone!

RENNET

The bulk tank?

TOMA

No, silly, the blue milk. I had it right here in a milk pail. Where'd the blue milk go?

SFX: MIM transition music

RENNET

Now that was interesting. We search all over the dairy, finally find the blue milk, only to be told by the owner that it's being produced on purpose for some new specialty cheese.

CURD

And it's blue color has nothing to do with the three blind mice and their lack of repertoire, a word which here means 'they need to learn more than one song to make it as a dance band.'

RENNET

We should get going.

TOMA

Wait! Don't go!

RENNET

Now what?

CURD

Why? What's happening?

TOMA

Well, the first one was Tomme Brulee. She's a French Béarnais, from the mountains.

RENNET & CURD

Oh?

TOMA

She had a beef with congress over dairy subsidies. She was on her way to Washington when we heard that the latest copy of the Congressional Record hit her on the head and we haven't heard from her since.

RENNET

Well, that's unfortunate.

TOMA

And then there's Maribo, our Danish Red. She was going to Denmark to see some family and then on to Paris for a fashion show. They say she got kidnapped by the Gucci Gucci Goons. Last we heard she'd been made into a series of handbags and is now on a shelf at Bon Marché.

CURD

Which in this story means 'she's literally beside herself.'

RENNET

Wow! That's really unfortunate.

TOMA

There's more!

RENNET & CURD

No!

TOMA

Yes! My best cow, Sage Derby (she's a little Dexter from Ireland), left yesterday from Hollywood. She said she has a part in some movie. Which is strange because she can't act worth beans, a phrase which means 'not very well.'

RENNET

This is suspicious.

CURD

Yes, very suspicious. Have they all been using the same travel agent?

TOMA

Why yes. Sonoma Jack and his Pepper Planes have been flying them everywhere.

RENNET

You said they were lured, a verb which means 'to attract by temptation.'

TOMA

Yes! It was Sonoma Jack who suggested each trip. Tomme Brulee believed she could make congress understand logic –

CURD

That's an unfortunate belief.

TOMA

– Maribo was interested in Danish fashions –

RENNET

Possibly an unfortunate sight.

TOMA

– and Sage Derby fancied herself a great thespian.

CURD

A phrase which in this story means 'a cow wanting everyone to pay attention to her every moo.'

RENNET

Even more unfortunate for the audience.

CURD

We must go to Hollywood and find Sage Derby!

SFX: MIM transition music

EXTRACT

Tickets. Tickets. Please hand me your tickets.

ALUM

Step forward everyone. The movie lot tour is about to begin. Please take your seats on the transporter.

EXTRACT

Take your seats. Do not leave them behind.

RENNET

What did the ticket-taker just say?

CURD

Something about behind our seats.

RENNET

No, I mean the word 'transporter.' Who on earth would call this bus a transporter?

CURD

Unless they're from –

RENNET

– another planet! Those two are Moomen from the Planet Moo!

CURD

You're right! After them!

EXTRACT & ALUM

Run for it!

SFX: transition music

ALUM

That was very close. How did they know us Moomen were here?

EXTRACT

Perhaps our plan to blend in with the moo-vie business has been compromised, a word which here means 'been on the news and watched by everyone.'

ALUM

We must find Sonoma Jack, the cleverest agent from the Planet Moo.

EXTRACT

Yes, we must find him.

ALUM

He'll know what together we should next do.

EXTRACT & ALUM

Moomen together, for the Planet Moo.

SFX: MIM transition music

SONOMA

So, my little Dexter cow, are you ready to be in the movies?

SAGE

Yes, oh yes. This is so exciting. Ever since I read the first Harry Provolone book, I've seen myself starring as Hermione Gruyere. When the first movie came out –

SONOMA

The Sorcerer's Sap Sago.

SAGE

Yes, that one. I was so impressed, but I thought I could do a better job than the actress they chose for the part. And then they made The Chamber of Stilton

SONOMA

– followed by The Prisoner of Asiago.

SAGE

Yes, yes and now The Fondue Pot of Fire is out and they've still kept her in that part even though I know I could do better.

SONOMA

Well, now's your chance. I hear she's fallen ill. Lost her voice while doing a radio reading of The Velveeta Rabbit.

SAGE

I know. I know. I'm so excited. If you hadn't come out to the dairy to tell me that the part was now open for the next in the Harry Provolone series, a phrase which here means 'the fifth book you could squash a pumpkin with' –

SONOMA

You mean The Order of the Parmigiano, of course. Yes, it'll be a great movie with you now in the part. Now if you'll just sign here –

SAGE

And knowing that this contract guarantees that I'll also be in Harry Provolone and The Half-Baked Brie makes all this traveling worth it!

SONOMA

Yes, now if you'll just sign here.

SFX: MIM transition music

RENNET

Why are we out here?

CURD

Dairy Defender Headquarters has located a ship from the Planet Moo. It's on top of Mesa Queso Blanco.

RENNET

That's the perfect landing spot for a spaceship. Why didn't we see it before?

CURD

Because we're in Hollywood and there usually aren't any mesas in Hollywood to see.

RENNET

Except on this old set from the last of the Cheese Wars movies: Revenge of the Stinking Bishop.

CURD

Yeah, that was okay but Return of the Jarlsberg was my favorite.

RENNET

Mine too.

SFX: MIM transition music

EXTRACT

They will never suspect us of using this old moo-vie set for landing our ship.

ALUM

Yes, and soon we will have collected enough fancy cows to fill our new creamery, a phrase which here means 'tricked into coming to the Planet Moo and work like slaves for udderly nothing.'

EXTRACT

Sonoma Jack has arrived.

ALUM

He looks happy.

SONOMA

Fellow Moomen! How good to see you. The cows are ready. They've hoofed it onto the ship already.

EXTRACT & ALUM

Moo hoo! We have succeeded!

RENNET

Not so fast!

CURD

Yeah, not so fast!

RENNET & CURD

We heard every word!

SONOMA

Well, that isn't very surprising since the acoustics around this place are very hot, which here means 'louder than a Las Vegas casino in full swing.'

RENNET

Listen, you can't take these cows to the Planet Moo.

SONOMA

Oh yes we can! See? Here are the contracts with all the proper hoof prints in place. Each one has agreed to come with us.

CURD

So the other two unfortunate cows are not as unfortunate as everyone thinks back on the Atsma-Cameron Dairy?

SONOMA

Oh no. Tomme Brulee, that French Béarnais cow, wants to have her own satellite talk radio show on the political movements. Maribo, the Danish Red cow, wants to design cow wear for those who really appreciate it, which here means 'the Moomen on the Planet Moo' –

EXTRACT

It is very hard to get attractive udderwear on Moo.

ALUM

Very.

SONOMA

– and Sage Derby, that cute little Dexter from Ireland, wants to act in our moo-vies.

RENNET

Let me see those contracts.

SFX: paper rustling

CURD

Look! Look at the fine print!

RENNET

'...and they will work all weekday lunches and double shifts every weekend for tips only.'

CURD

Hey! These are waiter contracts for working in the Moo Diner.

RENNET

And everyone knows that Moomen don't tip.

EXTRACT & ALUM

Run for it!

SFX: running feet
SFX: MIM transition music
SFX: spaceship taking off

CURD

Well, that was close. Good thing we got those cows off that Moo ship and then voided those contracts, a phrase which here means 'ripped them to shreds and threatened the Moomen with time in the Dairy Defender Detention Center.'

RENNET

Yes, there's nothing like the prospect of cleaning out manure pits while in manacles to make the Moomen see the error of their ways, a phrase which here means 'go home and stop trying to steal our fancy foreign cows.'

SFX: MIM theme music

RENNET & CURD

Another disaster averted by the Men in Milk – Dairy Defenders!

SFX: MIM transition music

RENNET

So who is going to replace the actress who plays Hermione Gruyere in the Harry Provolone series?

CURD

I don't know. I just hope they don't get a Quark.

RENNET

What's a Quark?

CURD

A cow with no personality.

SFX: MIM theme music ending

©1997-2014 Lishka DeVoss/Kranky Kids®

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