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COWS and DRAMA: Men In Milk

Chapter Three - The Dairy Queen

Well, someone has to run the planet Moo and send the Moomen to Earth on relevant Milk Missions. It only makes sense that it's a Dairy Queen.

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Cast In Order Of Appearance:

Announcer
Rennet
Manager
Extract & Alum
Curd
Alum
Dairy Queen
Page

ANNOUNCER

Men In Milk, Chapter Three, The Dairy Queen

RENNET

How long have they been standing in front of the dairy section?

MANAGER

About two hours, I'd say. One of my employees, Philip, from produce, was the first to notice them while he was stacking the zucchinis. After a while they started swaying and sort of mumbling.

EXTRACT & ALUM

It is hypnotizing. It is hypnotizing. It is hypnotizing.

MANAGER

That's when we got nervous and called you people.

CURD

It's a good thing you did. They might be Moomen, from Planet Moo.

SFX: MIM theme music

RENNET & CURD

This is a job for the Men in Milk – Dairy Defenders!

SFX: MIM transition music

CURD

What do you think we should do?

RENNET

Ask them a simple question and see if they stammer. Excuse me, but could you point out the half-n-half to me?

EXTRACT & ALUM

Uh, er, uh –

CURD

Stay where you are! We have you surrounded!

RENNET

We don't have them surrounded. There's only two of us.

EXTRACT & ALUM

Run for it!

RENNET & CURD

After them!

MANAGER

Watch out for the wet spot in front of the –

RENNET & CURD

Whoooa!

SFX: crash to the floor with bottles hitting the ground

MANAGER

– eggs. I knew I shouldn't have put that display there.

RENNET

Ow! That hurt and they got away.

CURD

Well, they wouldn't have if you weren't so literal.

RENNET

But it's just so outrageous when you exaggerate like that. We have you surrounded – I mean really –

MANAGER

Uh, excuse me.

RENNET & CURD

What?

MANAGER

Can we get back to the problem of the swaying Moomen?

RENNET & CURD

Right!

RENNET

We'll get back to you on that.

CURD

Yeah, it seems we have a little problem with 'fleeing' at the moment.

SFX: MIM transition music

CURD

Well, our other agents have confirmed that they are definitely Moomen. Any further activity?

RENNET

Eleven stores have reported the Moomen staring and swaying in front of their dairy sections.

CURD

Are all of them supermarkets?

RENNET

Of course! When's the last time you saw a dairy section in a clothing store?

CURD

Hey, they have coffee shops in bookstores now. Who knows what the next brilliant idea for selling messy food with stainable merchandise will be.

RENNET

Good point.

CURD

So what have the Moomen done besides the swaying?

RENNET

Nothing, as far as anyone can tell.

CURD

You mean they just sort of become hypnotized until someone chases them away?

RENNET

So far.

CURD

This is highly suspicious. They must be up to something.

SFX: MIM transition music

ALUM

It has been too long.

EXTRACT

We must keep trying.

ALUM

But it has been too long. We will be punished for not finding the right one.

EXTRACT

The Dairy Queen needs us. We must keep trying.

ALUM

Yes, yes, our Queen needs us. You are right.

EXTRACT & ALUM

For the Dairy Queen of Planet Moo! Our search continues!

SFX: Planet Moo transition music

DAIRY QUEEN

Where are they? Where are they? It has been forever and still they have not returned.

PAGE

But, your majesty, it has been terribly hard for them to find the right one. They tell us there are many, many different varieties. The one you so desperately need has yet to be found.

DAIRY QUEEN

They must find it! Time is running out and it is the only thing that will save me.

SFX: Planet Moo transition music

ALUM

There are so many.

EXTRACT

Seven ounce, fifteen ounce, real light, thirty-three percent more free, sweetened –

ALUM

All purpose, instant, fat free, non-dairy –

EXTRACT

Non-dairy. How can that be?

ALUM

We will never find it.

EXTRACT

We are doomed.

EXTRACT & ALUM

Moo-hoo-hoo, Moo-hoo-hoo.

SFX: MIM transition music

CURD

Now what?

RENNET

They found them on the floor of a quick market, weeping by the ice cream section.

CURD

Where are they now?

RENNET

Upstairs, slapping their heads with their hoovehands. They're mooing so high you'd think there was a helium duct underneath them.

CURD

They need help. C'mon, let's see what we can do.

RENNET

Jeez, I never thought that we'd try to help the Moomen with anything other than getting back to the Planet Moo.

SFX: high-pitched mooing

CURD

Okay, okay already, enough with the noise! Tell us what's the matter.

RENNET

Yeah, talk now or we'll ship you back to Planet Moo on the next flight out.

EXTRACT & ALUM

No!

CURD

Then spit it out!

RENNET

What is the matter?

EXTRACT

We have no choice. We must trust them.

ALUM

Yes, you are right.

EXTRACT & ALUM

Help us! Help our queen, the Dairy Queen of Planet Moo!

SFX: MIM transition music

RENNET & CURD

Goodbye!

SFX: space ship taking off

CURD

No wonder they were going crazy trying to find that stuff. They don't sell it in supermarkets. You have to special order it from the catalog of that gourmet dairy outfit in Wisconsin.

RENNET

I think we should alert the satellite companies that their transmissions are causing the weirdest problems.

CURD

Why?

RENNET

Don't you think it's a bit strange that the Dairy Queen of Planet Moo has become hooked on watching cooking shows beamed in from Earth?

CURD

I think you're being a little too judgmental.

RENNET

Excuse me?

CURD

She obviously wants to expand her horizons.

RENNET

What? Hey, wait a minute – you watch those cooking shows too, don't you.

CURD

Uh – so what if I do?

RENNET

I don't know. I just didn't think anyone other than the people on public television actually did that sort of thing.

CURD

You mean you never cook?

RENNET

No.

SFX: Planet Moo transition music

DAIRY QUEEN

It is too late. All the high officials are here. I am ruined!

PAGE

Wait, your majesty. I hear a knock from the hidden door known to only your most trusted servants.

SFX: knocking sound
SFX: door opens

ALUM

It is us. We have returned.

EXTRACT

Are we in time?

DAIRY QUEEN

Have you brought forth to me the fabled foaming froth of the faraway planet?

EXTRACT & ALUM

We have, your majesty!

DAIRY QUEEN

Oh, thank Hathor! My dinner party will be the hit of the season! No one on Planet Moo has ever tasted a whipped topping such as this. You have done well, my servants.

EXTRACT & ALUM

Thank you, your majesty.

SFX: MIM transition music

CURD

What's that you're holding?

RENNET

It's a message from the Moomen, thanking us for our help. The Queen has rewarded them with as many milk baths as they want. They want to know if we'd like to have some of them sent here.

CURD

Yikes, I don't think so. Tell them thanks, but no thanks.

RENNET

You know, if they take baths in milk, what do you think they would do with...?

CURD

Would do with what?

RENNET

Do with any extra of that gourmet whipped cream in a can that we sent them home with.

CURD

I thought you said you didn't cook?

RENNET

I don't.

SFX: MIM theme

RENNET & CURD

Another disaster averted by the Men in Milk – Dairy Defenders!

RENNET

I was just asking.

SFX: MIM end theme

©1997-2014 Lishka DeVoss/Kranky Kids®

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