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COWS and DRAMA: Men In Milk

Chapter Two - Night of the Living Cheese

Books and music are becoming cheesy. A famous television series is also echoed in this chapter. What you hear matches what you read – a great way to learn how to read.

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Cast In Order Of Appearance:

Announcer
Rennet
Curd
Alum
Manager
Bel Paese
Ricotta
Extract

ANNOUNCER

Men In Milk, Chapter Two, Night of the Living Cheese

SFX: phone rings

RENNET

Hello? Yes, we can come over. What seems to be the problem? Okay. Right. We're on our way.

SFX: phone is hung up

CURD

What's up?

RENNET

It's the new bookstore downtown. They say some of their titles are changing and things are getting a bit cheesy?

CURD

Cheesy?

RENNET

Yeah, cheesy.

CURD

As in cheap?

RENNET

You got me. But just hearing them use that word makes me cringe.

SFX: MIM theme song

RENNET & CURD

This is a job for the Men in Milk – Dairy Defenders.

CURD

Quick! Pull over. That space is open.

RENNET

Okay.

SFX: car screech

CURD

Did you see the license plate of the car that just pulled away?

RENNET

No, silly. I was busy driving.

CURD

It said: Eat Cheese or Die.

RENNET

Really?

CURD

Yeah.

RENNET

Wow. Sounds like someone who's serious about their fromage.

CURD

C'mon. Let's get into the store and find out what's going on.

SFX: door opens
SFX: ambient music in the background

ALUM

Good evening, may I help you in any way?

RENNET

Yeah, we got a call that something funny was going on. Are you the manager?

ALUM

No, the manager is right over here.

MANAGER

Oh thank goodness you've arrived. Come, just come and look at what's happening.

CURD

Look at these books!

RENNET

Cyrano de Camembert?

CURD

A Tale of Two Cheeses?

RENNET

Gone With The Cheese.

CURD

The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Cheese.

RENNET

Swiss Cheese Family Robinson.

CURD

Moby Cheese.

RENNET

The Old Man and the Cheese.

CURD

The Three Muskacheesers.

MANAGER

Yes, titles everywhere seem to be mutating into some cheese form. And come, come over here! In the video section. Look! Look!

RENNET

Cheesy Hollow.

CURD

Cheese Wars.

RENNET

Scream Cheese.

CURD

Children of the Cheese.

RENNET

Dr. Stringcheese.

CURD

Cheesezilla.

RENNET

The Goudafather, Parts One, Two and Three.

CURD

Titancheese.

RENNET

American Cheese Beauty.

MANAGER

You see? You see? And at the registers the sign now reads that we accept Mastercheese, Visa and Feta Express.

CURD

What is going on?

RENNET

I don't know, but it all sounds like a pattern to me. And I can only think of one person to ask.

CURD

You mean?

RENNET

Exactly. Bel Paese. She runs the most influential underground headcheese shop around.

SFX: MIM transition music

RENNET

Bel Paese, how nice to see you again. Tell us, have you noticed any increase in your business?

BEL PAESE

Why yes, as a matter of fact I got a big order in this morning for some seeds.

CURD

What kind of seeds?

BEL PAESE

Seeds to plant. Said they wanted to grow some gorgonzolas and would I please get the seeds for them. They wanted them delivered to this address.

RENNET

The Ricotta Inn, 25 Fondue Lane in the town of Port-Salut.

CURD

Hmm, sounds like someone's trying to change the face of our planet.

RENNET

Yeah, first the cultural and entertainment stuff and now the plants too.

CURD

I think we'd better go over to The Ricotta Inn and see who wants these seeds.

SFX: MIM transition music
SFX: knocking at the door

RICOTTA

Yes?

RENNET

How do you do? We understand that you are planning to grow some gorgonzolas in your garden. Is this true?

RICOTTA

Why yes, it is true. But I haven't gotten the seeds yet.

CURD

How did you find out about these seeds?

RICOTTA

Why, in this new gardening catalog, Farmaggio With Me. I found it in my mailbox just last week.

RENNET

Can I see that, please?

RICOTTA

Certainly. There are lots of nice products to grow. If the gorgonzolas come up nice, I'm going to plant some fontinas and chevres next.

RENNET

Look here.

CURD

What?

RENNET

The bar code on the back. Ever seen anything like that before?

CURD

No, I don't think so – wait a minute. Yes I have! It was on their –

RENNET

Hush! Uh, thank you, ma'm. We'll be running along now.

RICOTTA

You're welcome.

SFX: MIM transition music

CURD

So, the Moomen have returned.

RENNET

Yes, and apparently they want to make this planet into an exact replica of theirs – Planet Moo.

CURD

What are we going to do?

RENNET

Stop them, of course.

CURD

Well duh. But how are we going to do it?

RENNET

The same way you stop any hostile takeover – you find the source and remove it. We have to get back to the bookstore.

CURD

The bookstore?

SFX: MIM transition music
SFX: ambient music in the background

CURD

Okay, what gives? Why are we back here in the bookstore?

RENNET

Didn't you notice the two salespeople who were hovering around us when the manager was showing us the cheesy books and videos?

CURD

Yes, what about them?

RENNET

Well, one was named Jack and the other was named Colby. How much do you wanna bet that their last names are Cheddar and Longhorn?

CURD

There they are.

RENNET

Wait up you two!

ALUM

Why? What do you want from us?

RENNET & CURD

Who are you?

EXTRACT

We are salespeople for this store.

ALUM

That's right. Just your typical average bookstore clerks.

RENNET

If that's true, then what's slush?

EXTRACT & ALUM

Uh, er, uh. . .

CURD

What?

RENNET

Slush. It's when people go to the register with a book and then decide not to buy it.

CURD

Yeah?

RENNET

And then they just leave it at the register.

CURD

Yeah?

RENNET

Well, people who work at bookstore registers call these books slush. And if these two really worked here they'd know that.

CURD

Just as we thought. You're Moomen.

EXTRACT & ALUM

Run for it!

CURD

They're headed for the back door!

RENNET

After them!

SFX: door slams
SFX: helicopter sounds

RENNET

Rats! They're getting away!

CURD

No, they're not.

RENNET

Yes, they are!

CURD

No, they're not!

RENNET

Yes. They. Are. They've just flown off and we are still here – standing on the ground. I don't know about you, but from where I come from that's called 'getting away'.

CURD

You know, for someone who notices little name tags, you sure are blind to the big stuff.

RENNET

What do you mean?

CURD

That airship was ours.

RENNET

The Dairy Defender Dirigible?

CURD

The one and only.

RENNET

Oh. Oh well.

SFX: MIM theme music

RENNET & CURD

Another disaster averted by the Men in Milk – Dairy Defenders!

RENNET

Do you think I could get a copy of Gone With The Cheese?

SFX: MIM transition music

RENNET

Okay. Okay. Never mind.

SFX: MIM theme music ending

©1997-2014 Lishka DeVoss/Kranky Kids®

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