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COWS and DRAMA: Men In Milk

Chapter One - Dairy Defenders

Milk is disappearing from all over the world and the Men In Milk have to figure out why and stop it!

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Cast In Order Of Appearance:

Extract
Alum
NYC
Midwest
West
UN
Executive
Rennet
Curd
Mayor
Capisce
Carpaccio
Cows

EXTRACT & ALUM

We, of the Planet Moo, have no more milk. We must have milk or we will perish!

SFX: MIM transition music

NYC

This just in. All milk in New York City has disappeared. The mayor is furious. A full investigation is now under way. From Wall Street: Starbucks stock is falling steadily.

MIDWEST

Reporting here in the Midwest: Elementary schools cannot find any milk. Mothers everywhere are starting to panic. The question everyone is asking: Why bake cookies anymore?

WEST

The entire west coast is milk-less and the cows look confused. A Hooves-Across-America Movement has started.

UN

An emergency meeting at the United Nations has just started and there are no cappuccinos in sight! Italy threatens to withdraw.

EXECUTIVE

Babies are crying! Cereal executives are falling out of windows left and right - right and left! Panic!

SFX: MIM theme music

RENNET & CURD

This is a job for the Men In Milk - Dairy Defenders!

RENNET

Milk is disappearing from all over the world.

CURD

We must find the mayor.

SFX: MIM transition music

RENNET

Tell us, Madam Mayor, what has your investigation uncovered?

MAYOR

Which one?

CURD

Concerning the milk.

RENNET & CURD

Where's the milk?

MAYOR

Well now, that depends on what your definition of milk is. But let me say this about that now: however you define milk and if whatever you define as milk has in fact disappeared, then I want to say that no one in my administration had anything to do with it, if it happened.

Otherwise, in response to your question, we are making great progress. We have formed a task group which has formed a working group which will be reporting directly to me as mayor. I will then report to you. I can tell you that much now.

RENNET

Uh, um, right. Thank you. You've been a great help.

CURD

Yes, we can always count on your office to clarify things and move things along.

MAYOR

You're welcome.

SFX: MIM transition music

RENNET

Now that was useless. Got any more bright ideas?

CURD

How about the East Side Twins? They always have info.

RENNET

Well, speak of the devil -

CAPISCE

How ya doin'?

CARPACCIO

Yeah, how ya doin'? Whatcha want with the East Side Twins?

CAPISCE

Yeah, whatcha want?

RENNET

The milk is gone.

CARPACCIO

So we heard.

CAPISCE

Yeah, so we heard.

RENNET

Well, do you know anything about it?

CARPACCIO

Who us?

CAPISCE

Yeah, who us?

CURD

Is there an echo in here?

CARPACCIO

Listen, we might know somethin' and we might not.

CAPISCE

Yeah, we might and we might not.

RENNET & CURD

Well?

CARPACCIO

This is about the milk, right?

RENNET

Yeah, the milk.

CARPACCIO

We don't know nothin'. We're lactose intolerant.

CAPISCE

So we don't care, see? See ya around.

CARPACCIO

Yeah, see you around.

RENNET

Another brilliant idea.

CURD

The cows are still here.

RENNET

We'll go to the cows.

SFX: MIM transition music

RENNET & CURD

Who has been stealing all your milk?

COWS

Mooo-men.

RENNET & CURD

Whoop-dee-doo, we're off!

RENNET

By the way -

CURD

- nice hair.

SFX: MIM transition music

RENNET

Stop the car!

SFX: car screech

RENNET

There's an interplanetary milk conference going on downtown.

CURD

Moomen always attend milk shows.

RENNET

Right. But how will we ever pick them out of the crowd?

RENNET & CURD

Hmmmm.

EXTRACT

They will never suspect us disguised as Italian dairy scientists.

ALUM

Yes, and soon we will have all their milk.

RENNET

Not so fast.

CURD

Yeah, not so fast.

RENNET & CURD

We heard every word. Who are you?

ALUM

Buon giorno, we're Italians.

EXTRACT

Yes, I mean, sì, buon giorno. We are Italian dairy scientists.

RENNET

If that's true, then how do you say milk in Italian?

EXTRACT & ALUM

Uh, er, uh....

CURD

Just as we thought, MOOMEN!

RENNET

We did? When did we think that?

CURD

Don't you remember? In the car?

EXTRACT

Aren't you a little young to be driving?

ALUM

And short?

RENNET & CURD

SHUT-UP!

EXTRACT

Okay.

RENNET

That's it! We're taking you back to Planet Moo.

EXTRACT & ALUM

But we'll die without milk!

COWS

We'll go with you.

EXTRACT & ALUM

What are those?

CURD

Cows, you idiots. Where do you think milk comes from?

EXTRACT & ALUM

Supermarkets!

RENNET

Take these cows and go home.

CURD

Yeah, and take a biology teacher with you.

SFX: MIM theme music

RENNET & CURD

Another disaster averted by the Men In Milk - Dairy Defenders!

RENNET

And I know just the biology teacher they should take.

SFX: MIM theme music ends again

©1997-2014 Lishka DeVoss/Kranky Kids®

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