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DRAMA: Grimmly Speaking

Simple Hans

This is a very funny raise-the-ante story. Hans just gets more dimwitted with each gift he is given to take to Gretel. And, to make it matters worse, Lishka did a really over-the-top German accent which caused everyone to eventually start laughing because the students didn't it was coming until they were live on-air at WUNH radio in New Hampshire.

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Cast In Order Of Appearance:

Narrator
Hans
Gretel
Mother

SFX: Grimmly Speaking theme music

NARRATOR

One day, a boy named Hans leaves his house to visit a girl named Gretel. Gretel gives Hans a needle.

HANS

Good-bye, Gretel.

GRETEL

Good-bye, Hans.

NARRATOR

Hans sticks the needle into a passing hay-cart and follows the cart home.

HANS

Good evening, Mother. Gretel gave me a needle.

MOTHER

Where is the needle, Hans?

HANS

I stuck it in a hay-cart.

MOTHER

That was stupid, Hans. You should have stuck the needle in your sleeve.

HANS

Never mind. I’ll do better next time.

NARRATOR

The next day Hans again goes to Gretel. Gretel gives Hans a knife.

HANS

Good-bye, Gretel.

GRETEL

Good-bye, Hans.

NARRATOR

Hans sticks the knife in his sleeve and goes home.

HANS

Good evening, Mother. Gretel gave me a knife.

MOTHER

Where is the knife, Hans?

HANS

Stuck in my sleeve.

MOTHER

That was stupid, Hans. You should have put the knife in your pocket.

HANS

Never mind. I’ll do better next time.

NARRATOR

The next day Hans again goes to Gretel. Gretel gives Hans a young goat.

HANS

Good-bye, Gretel.

GRETEL

Good-bye, Hans.

NARRATOR

Hans ties the goat’s legs and puts it in his pocket. When he gets home, the goat has suffocated and is dead.

HANS

Good evening, Mother. Gretel gave me a goat.

MOTHER

Where is the goat, Hans?

HANS

I put it in my pocket. It died.

MOTHER

That was stupid, Hans. You should have put a rope around the goat’s neck and brought it home.

HANS

Never mind. I’ll do better next time.

NARRATOR

The next day Hans again goes to Gretel. Gretel gives Hans a big slab of bacon.

HANS

Good-bye, Gretel.

GRETEL

Good-bye, Hans.

NARRATOR

Hans ties a rope around the bacon and drags it home. The dogs come and eat up all the bacon.

HANS

Good evening, Mother. Gretel gave me a big slab of bacon.

MOTHER

Where is the bacon, Hans?

HANS

I tied a rope around it and dragged it home. The dogs ate it.

MOTHER

That was stupid, Hans. You should have carried the bacon on your head to keep it from the dogs.

HANS

Never mind. I’ll do better next time.

(so here is where we all started to laugh)

NARRATOR

The next day Hans again goes to Gretel. Gretel gives Hans a baby cow.

HANS

Good-bye, Gretel.

GRETEL

Good-bye, Hans.

NARRATOR

Hans puts the baby cow on his head and the baby cow kicks his head all the way home.

HANS

Good evening, Mother. Gretel gave me a baby cow.

MOTHER

Where is the baby cow, Hans?

HANS

I set it on my head and it kicked my face.

MOTHER

That was stupid, Hans. You should have led the baby cow with a rope and put it in the barn.

HANS

Never mind. I’ll do better next time.

NARRATOR

The next day Hans again goes to Gretel. She is depleted of gifts.

GRETEL

Good day, Hans. Have you finally brought me something?

HANS

No.

GRETEL

Then I will go with you.

NARRATOR

Hans takes Gretel, ties her with a rope, and leads her to the barn next to his house. Then he binds her to the stall inside.

HANS

Good evening, Mother.

MOTHER

Good evening, Hans. Where have you been?

HANS

With Gretel.

MOTHER

What did she give you this time?

HANS

Nothing. She came with me.

MOTHER

Where have you left Gretel, Hans?

HANS

I led her by a rope and then tied her to the stall in the barn. I even scattered some grass for her.

MOTHER

That was stupid, Hans. You should cast friendly eyes upon her.

HANS

Okay.

NARRATOR

Hans goes to the barn, cuts out all the barn animal’s friendly eyes -

SFX: Eeuw!

NARRATOR

- and casts them upon Gretel.

SFX: thwp, thwp, thwp
SFX: Eeuw!

NARRATOR

Gretel then becomes angry, tears herself loose and runs away screaming into the forest.

SFX: ahhhhh!

HANS

Oh, never mind. I’ll do better next time.

SFX: everyone groans

NARRATOR

Oh gee whiz, you guys. This is Grimmly Speaking, not Fairy Tales for the Faint Hearted.

SFX: Grimmly Speaking end theme

©1997- 2014 Lishka DeVoss/Kranky Kids®

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